Coming to terms with size acceptance

I've learned a few things over the past couple of weeks through self reflection and making sad faces at myself in the mirror.

1. Yes, I have let myself go. But not to the point of no return.
2. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I know the tools to rectify that.
3. I have a bad body image right now, but need to learn not to beat myself up over it.
4. I have to learn to adapt and just not give up.
5. Operation Need To Lose 20 Pounds may take a bit of time.

The reality: majority of the items in my closet either don't fit right or just plain don't or look bad. Trying to get into these clothes has made me have feelings of Nos. 1-3. I am accepting I am  not a 6/8 and my existence right now is 12.

I am not liking that I have to buy larger-sized clothes, but by golly I am having fun doing it. And they are cute and stylish and look good on me. I don't look like a whale in them. Trying to wear the too-small clothes would make me feel that way. And I am tired of looking at the things that make my upper arm look like a sausage and bottoms I can no longer get past my hips.

So this weekend I am taking this week's Weight Watchers lesson to heart and making my bedroom a healthier area. I have gone through shoes that are worn out and just don't fit any more and thrown them out. This weekend I am getting another bin and putting in them all the clothes that currently don't fit, and getting rid of the ones I know I will never wear again. Getting all the things that make me feel bad about my current size are going to go away. Also there will not be things in the house that are bigger sizes than I currently wear, because I don't want the temptation to let myself go even farther. I have spent  more money than I would like on new things, but if that is what it takes to feel good about myself in my current size and to wear properly-fitting things, then so be it.

Goodwill is going to like me next week.

See you in a while, Points Plus ... Flex is coming to visit

I will honestly have to say that right now Points Plus just doesn't seem to be working. Or to better put it, I'm not working IT very well. Last year when it was first introduced, I love that I could eat lots of fruit for zero points. Then I just started using it as an excuse to gorge myself on the stuff during the day and at night. Lastly, that developed into just gorging on anything at night.

Boredom? Stress? Anxiety? Could be one, both, or all three. The lack of structure, combined with several vacations away from home different than my normal routine, equals 30 pounds.

Yes, folks, 30 pounds of weight gain. And 18 over the 2 pound goal range allowed by Weight Watchers (and one of my employers). So you can imagine how shameful I feel gaining weight over the past year, not losing anything and not being a good example at all for my meeting members. This has also caused me stress ... a bad overall attitude toward myself, feeling a bit depressed about it, rinse, repeat, insert downward spiral.

So until the end of October (when I weigh myself next) I am going back onto the Flex program that had me lost my initial 100 pounds in the first place. The structure helped a bit for me there. I had to weigh and measure EVERYTHING. Now I need to go back to that, and to lose these fracking 20 pounds so my BMI is in a normal range again. I had to get a couple of size 12s last week (my 10s are tight) and I really wasn't happy about that, let me tell you.

So I am taking out my old calculator and DO and Food Companion books and am going to use those.

And don't worry, I am not against Points Plus at all. Far from it. The program has totally helped thousands of people lose weight across the country. I'm just a pig and need more structure. So I have to reign it in and try to control myself, or I'll get back right where I started again.

It may take me six months to lose 20 pounds (it initially only took me 19 weeks to lose 25, but I'm five years older now, so I got to cut myself some slack.) I also need to be more motivated to exercise. This past week was REALLY bad for me. I don't want to go into it, but it was ugly and I don't want to repeat it. Ever.

Yay, a trend! Another 100 days ... Fail! Some new goals, too.

Well what did I fail on this time? Losing weight. (Gained again.) And eating too much at night. And using all of my extra points. All. The. Time.

I was good on doing the exercise, however.

So for the next 100 days I have some new goals and trying again with some of the old ones.

• Sticking to my daily points
• Trying not to go over extra points
• Exercising an hour a day, at least five days a week, incorporating both sculpting and cardio
• New: Walking at work whenever I can during the week
• New: Learn conversational Korean in the car, finishing 8 lessons of the Pilseur method.

So about the new goals.
Now that it is cooler, I have been fond of taking strolls downtown during my "lunch" period to get out of the office and move a bit. Since the summer has been so damned hot, I don't like going out when it is more than 80 degrees outside. Last week I started going out Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I want to keep doing this until about late November when the temperatures get below 50 degrees. I also want to incorporate more workouts in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If I do that at least twice a week I think I will be able to get to work more on time.

On the conversational Korean, well I want to be able to hold a simple conversation with a native speaker at some point. Self study can be the real pits, so right now I want to be able to order things in a restaurant and get around a town. Early next year I will tackle the written language. My goal is to be able to get around a city without much assistance. Next year I REALLY want to go to Seoul before I turn 40.

Not the best week ..

Sort of like rinse, lather, repeat.
Rinse, lather, repeat.

I have decided not to buy myself cereal any more. I snacked on it too damned much this week. That and the popcorn. (Bought one box of 94% fat free ... 7 points a bag.) I am eating too many carbs at night. Just stuffing my craw for no apparent reason while watching television.

I have also only worked out four days this week, instead of the original six I should be doing. And shorter than I would have liked. So I need to work on that. My 100 days ends after Labor Day. I really need to start showing more improvement and getting off of this darned late-night binge fest.

To resolve this, hopefully:

• Don't eat past 8 p.m. (Except on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I have WW meetings.)
• Only eat food at the table in the kitchen, put away the tray table in the living room.
• If I have to consume anything while watching television, it can only be a drink.
• If I want anything to eat after 8 p.m., it can only be a drink.

Hopefully working on these behaviors will help a bit.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly

Today was the fearful monthly weigh-in and measure day.

Cough.

When these days approach I have bad dreams, and sometimes have "questionable behavior." That is, my eating behaviors. So let's start backwards.

THE UGLY

It started Friday. I was invited to a friend's military retirement party. The food buffet had the typical stuff, also some fruit and cheeses and some salad and light sandwiches. 

But the potatoes, oh, those potatoes.

Small new potatoes they were, cooked to a perfection with lovely seasoning. I couldn't get enough of them. I had three helpings. They were so good. I wasn't done in by any sort of dessert! (Surprise, surprise.)

Saturday I was doing pretty well, until about dinnertime. I had exercised my butt off for an hour, ate some kimbap for lunch, was being pretty healthy all day. Then Ken started sending me subliminal messages from his sleep (I really read his mind, I did) ... he was dreaming about eating pizza ... so I ordered some. Domino's was having this deal ... and I couldn't help myself. I had ordered three small pizzas one with regular crust with extra cheese and pepperoni for Ken. He also got an order of chicken wings. Two other one-topping pizzas were thin crust. They had light cheese and light sauce. One was extra mushroom and the other was barbecue chicken. I had also ordered a vegetable sandwich with basically no cheese. So I sat there and ate my sandwich ... and my little 10 inch mushroom pizza. Ken and I then split the barbecue pizza. Yeah ... not my finest moment. Pizza is one of my favorite food groups, you know.

Sunday I was a good girl and stayed within my points. And rode my bike.

Monday I drove to East End (30 minute drive there, one way) to sub a Weight Watchers meeting there. I had only exercised 30 minutes that day and by the time I was done with the meeting (it was 7 by this time) I was exhausted and didn't feel like cooking. We had nothing in the house, anyway. So I went to Sonic on the way home. Got two of those new hot dogs (Chicago and Baha-style). Hey, they had veggies on it! And I ate a large sweet potato tots. My dinner was 30 points. Thirty. Points.

Tuesday I was determined to work out my ass off. I reduced my point intake by 10 (to eat 20 over the day) and then I exercised another 10 points worth off. (One hour of strength and a 45 minute bike ride.) I woke up at 5 in the morning to try to accomplish this. And then I also had my full work day and did a WW meeting. Sigh.

Yesterday I tried to reduce my caloric intake again by 10 points, but that didn't work. I stayed within my 30 points. I did a sculp/cardio workout with Jillian in the morning for 30 minutes.

THE BAD

So this morning I got on the scale with a little trepidation, but I didn't think it would be all that awful. I had been exercising like I was supposed to for several weeks. I figured I would feel confident when I weighed myself. 

Not so much.

Last month, remember I had lost 2.6 pounds. This month, I gained that back plus an extra pound. When I whined at Ken, he commented that we DID eat fast food this week, more than normal. So I should attribute it to that, too.

THE GOOD

So I also measured myself. I lost a total of two inches this month. One inch of my waist and a half-inch off of each upper thigh. The rest stayed the same.

The real positive to look at is losing that inch around the waist. Sure, it probably could have been more if I was more diligent in good eating habits. I've been focusing more on making sure I get that hour for five to six days a week. 

Many of you may or may not know that losing inches around the waist is one of the hardest things to do. And I have said before I want to try to focus on losing inches than losing pounds. However the number you see at the scales is still a big motivator and hindrance. I am 16 pounds over goal weight. I need to get that off. 

I remember my first go round on this losing the weight thing five years ago. It came off fast since I was such a food nazi. I don't want to be that strict, but need to make more behavior changes. I loved being 17 pounds under the highest weight for my size. There is a 33 pound difference between when I was that weight and now. I'd like to get down to the middle of that. Just so I can fit into all those pants and dresses I have sitting in my closet!!!

So you guys know my goals! Lost that 16 pounds. And ultimately, lose another 9 inches of fat around my bust, waist and hips. My measurements right now are 39 (mid bust), 35 (natural waist), 41 (widest part of hips.) It would be nice to get each of those down by three. I think I can do it. Maybe. I did have a 27 inch waist when I was 14. (I was also 5-foot-6 at the time.) I don't plan on ever being that small ... ever. ;)

Here, piggy piggy piggy ...

Good grief. I am having a problem this week.

The food part of the Two Week Total Turnaround I have devised just is not working for me. It is the "fats" part that have done me in.

In good ole Weight Watchers tradition, we are supposed to have a couple of teaspoons of a fatty oil a day. So roughly 2 (Points Plus) points. I have been using 8-10 points a day on the "fats," and that has been a real problem for me, especially at the end of the day.

While eating the recommended ways of eating on the Two Week Turnaround, I have eaten peanut butter, avocados and almonds mostly for my "fats" and cooked occasionally with some olive oil interspersed. On average my peanut butter (I get individual packets I bring to work) are 5 points each. A couple I have tried have been 6, depending on the flavor. My 100-calorie chocolate-dusted almonds are 3 points. This actually isn't bad, because there are quite a few almonds in the little packet.

So what happens at the end of the day? Well, pretty much this: I have eaten all my points and for some reason do not feel satisfied. Then I wander into the kitchen and grab something to snack on. And before I know it I have eaten too much. In front of the television. Again. And again. ... Yet again.

Want to know how bad, world? Well, let  me just tell you. (Point of reference: I eat 30 points a day, have 49 extra points a week on program, and when I exercise I earn roughly 30 points of this a week as well.)

• Starting from last Thursday: went into 8 of my extra points, consuming more than a cup of Honey Nut Cheerios, low-fat string cheese and a WW ice cream bar.
• Friday: Didn't write down exactly what I consumed, but ate an extra 17 points.
• Saturday: Same as the day before, but from my tally I ate an extra 9 points.
• Sunday: Getting worse. Didn't write it down again, but consumed the rest of my 49 extra points. By this time I had only earned 17 points in activity, and I was about to hit this if not careful.
• Monday: This is bad, bad, BAD. Brace yourself. On top of my daily points I ate Wheat Thins crispy chips, 2 cups Honey Nut Cheerios, the rest of the Rice Crispy treats in the house (3, 2x3 inches), a grilled chicken salad from Subway, Baked Chips ... AND chicken egg rolls. (Now I had no points left at dinner because I had previously consumed a hamburger that was 11 points for lunch on top of my peanut butter and almonds that I ate during breakfast and lunch.) Total points extra I consumed Monday: 31. A WHOLE EXTRA DAY'S WORTH OF POINTS.
• Tuesday: On a roll, I just had something in my brain blow up yesterday. I had gone out to eat for grilled chicken fajitas. But an hour after I got home, I got bored and then just vacuumed up 2 slices of light bread, 2 Hebrew National 97% FF dogs, 2 cups Honey Nut Cheerios, FF cheese on my hot dogs and a random frozen burrito that was gross but I ate in anyway. An extra 17 points  here.
• Wednesday: well this day has just started and I haven't done much dent but I never have a problem on Wednesdays going into extras since I am away from the house.

Total extra points consumed: 97. Minus 49 allowed for program: 48. Minus 25 activity points earned this week so far: 23. I am going to do an hour workout when I get home tonight. Depending on how intense it is, I might be able to scrape off another 6-13 points off that pointage sitting over my head.

When you look at the allowances and exercise, you might think, "well, Tena, that's not so bad." Really, it is. I have made no gains to getting slimmer this week. In fact, I probably have canceled out that 2.6-pound loss that I had last week.

So, World, time to make some more changes. No more "fats" like Chris Freytag suggests. My brain can't handle it. Starting next week, I am reducing my daily points I consume down to 25 points. That way, in case I "go over," I have a five-point buffer. This should help. I am going to do this until my next weigh-in, which is on July 25. I will take my measurements that day as well.

Exercising at least an hour a day 5 days a week has not been a problem at all for me lately. Doing something in the morning, and then doing something when I get home in the evening seems to help a lot. And I really, really need this activity so I don't become a lard-ass again. I just want to lose 15 pounds to get a little below the weight allowance for my height. That's all I really want to do.

Had a trial run, real marathon starts tomorrow.

Ok, last post I talked about the Two Week Total Turnaround.

I am going to actually START this program tomorrow. In full force. The last couple of weeks has been what I call "practice."

Why? Holiday aside, the mail is friggin' slow. I didn't get all my components for my exercise program until yesterday. And no, I wasn't using it as an excuse to not exercise.

I would ride my bike for cardio, and also do Jillian's 30 Day Shred DVD, and I did the Cardio portion of The Total Turnaround a couple of times before getting all my ducks in a row.

I have also been practicing eating the way trainer Chris F. suggests in the book, and it is a little more difficult than I thought.

The reason ... processed food. I have to get rid of it. ALL of  it out of my house. I can't afford to have it in there. This includes healthy stuff ... like granola bars, those Weight Watchers snacks they say you can not live without ... even frozen treats.

All gotta go. So what did I do with them?

Ate em.

I still have a problem with snacking at night. Or when I get tired/stressed in the evenings I didn't exercise I eat in front of the television. And then get up and get "another" snack. Oh, wait, and another. Gotta get rid of all this processed food, you know.

So what's this girl gonna do now? Going to the farmer's co-op and getting some veggies today after work. Then go home and do my sculpt routine (I did a 30-minute cardio this morning) and make sure my house is supplied tonight with string cheese, veggies, light bread, peanut butter and some mixed nut packets. (Need some for the "fat" content the book describes, that I talked about last time.) I also need tuna packets, oranges and apples, as well as bananas.

The only frozen treat I will buy over the next couple of weeks are sugar-free popsicles. Those helped me the past couple of weeks ... until I ran out, that is.

That's my biggest problem. Letting the food run out and not restocking and letting my bad habits come back. Hubby is going out of town next week. That should be helpful. One  less distraction at home always is.